A week after

A week after, uncertainty suspends

Judgment becomes clearer

And you wait, you wait

A week after

A week after, friendships are lost

Are they really your friends in the first place?

They will leave

A week after

A week before, sadness consumes

And you curl up on your bed

Silence accompanies

A week before

This week, you know none

You do not see them

As if they went into hiding

This week 

Two weeks are not enough

Patapos na ang semestre. Ang aking huling semestre. Bigla na lang bumalik sa akin ang lahat ng mga naganap nung nagdaang apat na taon. Kay bilis talaga ng oras. Apat na taon na pala ang lumipas nang di ko napapansin. 'Di ko rin namalayan na marami na pala akong na-miss.

Hindi na ako ulit nakapag-ICs.
Hindi pa ako nakakapag-elbeatz.
Hindi pa kami nakakapag movie marathon ng mga kaibigan ko.
At hindi pa kami ulit kumakain sa Mang Toto's.

Dala na rin ng paglaki ang paglisan. Ngunit mahirap pa rin. Dahan-dahan mong ihihiwalay ang sarili mo sa LB at sa mga taong bumuo ng buhay-kolehiyo mo. Di mo rin maiiwasan na makakapag-iwan ka sa kanila ng mumunti at sari saring bahagi ng ng iyong pagkatao. At paggising mo isang araw, maalala mo sila bigla at magpaparamdam ang alaala, ang naiwan.

/Impress to impress/

Saving the best for last. Not only was it the best, it was also the most difficult for me. However I could not help but be proud of what I was able to make using Impress. It was definitely better than ppt and prezi, although I had to do additional searches to fully understand how it is to be done. In the end, I enjoyed this exercise! It took me a lot of time to figure it out, another long time to get used to it--but after that, my hands moved smoothly across the keyboard.
It was not the most aesthetically elaborate (it's pretty simple, is it not?) but still, I was able to make it! I even tried to make my thesis presentation using Impress. But alas, I gave up. Too many slides needed. -_-

Where do we go?

This is in line with the divide between the Ronghiya Muslims and the Buddhists clashes in Myanmar. I did not know where this came from, so I did a little bit of research, also to enlighten myself.

In 2012, there were widespread clashes between the Rakhine Buddhists and the Ronghiya Muslims after a Buddhist woman was raped and murdered. Prior to this, there has been a mutual distrust between the two groups of people. In the following years, more deadly riots ensued that left casualties on both sides (BBC, 2014).

In November 2014, the Myanmar government passed a law that requires for Muslim citizens to prove that they have been living in Myanmar for 60 years and that they could qualify for second class citizenship (Perlez, 2014). The Myanmar government had advanced this for quite some time, even appealing to the UN in 2012 to have the right to deport Ronghiya Muslims (also, they have been denied citizenship since 1982). In 2014, this appeal reappeared in the Rakhine State Action Plan. Myanmar's current president, Pres. Thein Sein, was believed to be a reformist. He was hoped to alleviate the people, at least partially, from the repression and discrimination they have been experiencing for decades. But it turned out that this would be intensified in his administration--the Ronghiya Muslims have lost their right to vote in February 2015 and discrimination of the Ronghiya Muslims became state-sanctioned (Burmese Rohingya Organization UK, 2015).

Fearing the social and political conditions they are facing in Burma, many Rohingya Muslims left their country in hopes to find refuge in other SEA countries. However, they were denied passage. Smugglers also left the boats where the Rohingya Muslims are in. Many of them are sick, many are dying.

I do not know where to go. I do not know what I could do. What we could do. The Philippine government already said that they would only allow those who have proper documents; others would not be allowed to enter. As much as I want to yell at our government, I know that they could only do so much.

The UN has urged the SEA countries not to refuse the refugees. But they, also, could only do so much. These countries have big problems that they are currently confronting as well.

I do not know. The thought of the Rohingya Muslims having to face a bleak future bothers me to the very core. Just like them, I came to ask, "where do we go?"

References

BBC. (3 July 2014). Why is there communal violence in Myanmar? Accessed from http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-18395788

Burmese Rohingya Organisation UK. (2 April 2015). The Rohingya, the Citizenship Law, Temporary Registration, and Implementation of the Rakhine State Action Plan. Accessed from http://www.burmapartnership.org/2015/04/the-rohingya-the-citizenship-law-temporary-registration-and-implementation-of-the-rakhine-state-action-plan/

Graham-Harrison, E. (2 May 2015). Burma's boatpeople 'faced choice of annihilation or risking their lives at sea'. The Guardian. Accessed from http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/may/17/rohingya-burma-refugees-boat-migrants

Perlez, J. (6 November 2014). Myanmar's policy message to Muslims: Get out. The New York Times. Accessed from http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/07/world/asia/rohingya-myanmar-rakhine-state-thailand-malaysia.html?_r=0

/Lay me down, Layouting/

I.am.just.so.tired.

On Layouting:
Does not matter. Anyway,  I was able to finish the layouts of my websites yesterday. I started last Saturday. It was difficult. I knew I would encounter problems while I was listening to our lab instructor in our last session which was about layouting. It was worse than I thought.

At first, I had no idea what I was doing, or what I should do. I checked my notes and the handout for help, to no avail. Then, I went to w3schools.com to search for tutorials. I was sure glad I did. After finishing my websites, however, I felt unsatisfied with my work. Nonetheless, I knew it was all that I could. Doing it for five days would make me look like a slow worker, but honestly, I got stuck with my Profile website and had to do it for three days. The two other websites, I worked for a day each.

I just hope they are decent enough. -_-#

On our Lab class:

Why should they be so indifferent? The only people who showed real concern for our project was one male, Ate Mutya, one of our Devcom classmates and Kiara. Others just looked at us as if we could just do it by ourselves.

Nakakairita. Nakakainis.

We asked if anyone knew how to edit videos. No one said they can. I learned to edit vids just last semester. I learned it all by myself. Couldn't they be more considerate and at least try? I am a graduating student and have a manuscript to tend to. But I still volunteered. I thought that if I volunteered, others would follow; but who wants to have an extra acad cargo if someone already said he/she would do it, right?

I asked for the second time if anyone could help me, no one really bothered. It was exasperating. It really is. Not all even participated in brainstorming or conceptualizing for the video.

Nakakairita. Nakakainis.

I just hope I would be able to produce a good video.

Restart

In the midst of my failures

and the tears I let to fall

because of these, because of these.

I yearn for hope.

A new beginning fresh

like a morning dew

kissing the leaf, from the tip to the root

A new beginning.

To face the sun not to bury my regrets

But to let them soak in sunlight

and remember and say,

"This is how being alive feels like."

I look out, yearning,

with a cup of coffee and a plate of heartbeats

I wait now for the sun to flood the room.

This is hope, this is restart.

/H.T.M.L. (How to Miraculously Let go)/

I know. I failed at providing another meaning—that is related to IT—for this acronym. But the subtitle works just fine, right?

Kidding aside, learning the foundations of HTML in a formal class helped me a lot. It was able to make me understand and appreciate the process of coding. It turns out that watching youtube videos and such all by myself does not work for me, so for our class to go this far and learn the basic of HTML is a big thing for me. Last summer, I was planning to make a website from scratch--and just like my unwarranted attempt at redefining the HTML acronym, I also failed miserably; that is why I was looking forward to taking up this course. 

For our exercise, we were tasked to make three HTML files which contain our profile, dreams and the February calendar. I was able to make them all, although they were not really good. But hey! Our next lesson would be layouting, so watch out. I had a good time coding and it was rewarding to see those files as they were converted to an HTML page. What is more rewarding, though, is that at the end, you understand where these come from.

/Python Blues/

Playing Blockly before delving into Python surely helped me in this activity, especially so because I had no partner. When I completed the levels required for our class to finish, I wondered when I would be able to apply what I've learned. And Ta-da! Then came the Python exercise. I was only stuck in the last part of the exercise wherein we should figure out how to get out of the loop. That cost me half an hour. Nevertheless, I felt it was fulfilling, having to finish it all by myself.

The HUM 3 Experience: A “The Uninvited” (2003) Analysis

A one and half class is clearly not enough to cater to the minds of 160 students. I heard my classmates heavily sighing as our instructor ended our session. My sigh was the heaviest and the loudest, I guess. Enough of that, I just want to vent these out so my thoughts would not be wasted. What are thoughts anyway, if one could not translate them to words?

Two dead girls. A man struggling with his past. A woman with shaman powers stigmatized by a society which once revered priestesses. A Christian church struggling to stay afloat. A fiancée who is a product of a modern society. Nightmares. Tradegies. All of these were situated in Seoul, the metropolis of South Korea. Here, scientific achievements thrive, innovations can be found everywhere. Progress is conspicuous.

I often marveled at how advanced South Korea is. Considering that they bore witness to numerous wars (and these were recent, y’know), one could not imagine that they could get back to their feet at such pace. However, if we look closely, we could see how their society is changed due to modernity—modernity which is often equated to progress, modernity which often means development. However, modernity is very Western-defined. And because societies differ from each other historically and culturally, the Western modernity is not universal. When capitalism, industrialization and modernity fell into S. Korea, the Korean people’s old beliefs and values were hastily replaced. I read that before capitalism entered Korea, the dominant religion was Confucianism. Confucianism does not favor the growth of the capitalist system. Thus in installing this system, the Western people first had to change the Korean’s religious system. Soon enough, Christianity flourished while Confucianism declined.

Another aspect of the ancient Korean culture that was buried deep by modernity was shamanism. It was clearly shown in the film how such powers (if such do exist) are stigmatized because it does not fit the scientific and rational framework of the system. Anything that cannot be explained by science is branded a ‘sham’. Anyone who is not ‘rational’, who think and act different from what the system dictates is marked with having a disorder. Mental disorders are a product of the 20^th century. And there is something oppressive about that. A person with a mental disorder is seen dysfunctional and socially impaired—unfit for labor, unfit for production. When Yun (the woman protagonist) was claiming that she has shaman powers (which were real in the film), she was readily seen as crazy, as someone who is dysfunctional…

I would love to extend this analysis if ever I have the time.

Unrequited Love

I fell in love with you.
It was the hardest thing to admit, but I did.
I faced my feelings, took them in, embraced them.
They embraced me back until I felt them crushing me.

You are the sweetest sadness I've tasted.
Unrequited love.

You saw me as a friend, did you not?
I saw you as a collection of identities
In motion, you change swiftly
And I pause you every time to see the depths of your eyes

You are a tear jerking movie.
Unrequited love.

I listened to your voice
And I smile like a crazy person
It echoes, it lingers, it never goes
And I hear my heart cracking a little bit

You are an orchestra of breaking down.
Unrequited love.

/Turn to the right by ____ degrees... Nope/

I have a confession to make: I am not good with computers or anything related to it. That's the main reason why I enrolled in IT 1, because maybe (just maybe) I would be able to learn the basics and live my life feeling a little less incomplete.

But even the parsimonious things can be difficult to learn (e.g. moving on. #hugot). Or maybe, IT 1 is not simple at all. But I prefer to believe in the latter. Some of my classmates seem to have a lot of fun, but I struggle most of the time. I realized that the struggle is real when we played the stages in code.org. Not only do the levels are tricky, but also the commands. I am pretty sure I am suffering from amnesia when it comes to degrees and directions

However, I finished them, though I was not able to acquire all the gold trophies for the concepts. That made me dissatisfied with my work. But hey! I finished all of the levels without anybody's help, and that's a big thing for me. More importantly, I learned some of the concepts related to programming. I realized that it is never simple even when translated to a 'simple' game of mazes and shapes.

/Bully-ean Algebra/

I would like to apologize for the nature of my blog entry titles. As we progress week after week in the IT lab class, I found the topics getting more difficult. After binary arithmetic, we delved into Boolean algebra. I first encountered this while I was a fourth year highschool student, still eager to impress my Physics teacher who cared less about the subject than about her looks. So I got used to illustrating logic gates and solving them.

But I have never imagined simplification.

Don’t get me wrong—simplifying logic operations enable us to cut our computer costs and to speed up the data processing time of our CPU. Computers are just that awesome. But it takes a lot of patience and power to analyze and simplify things. Just like in real life, wherein we wish for simpler things, only to be thrown on the most complicated ones. Also, oftentimes, it is easier to understand complexities than the simple things. Life is like that. Boolean algebra is, also.

But just because we could understand more of the complexities, we stop trying to uncover the complexities of the simple things. No. I believe that it is a valid pursuit to make things simpler, to make it understandable (though this is daunting and cumbersome). After such, we appreciate reality better. We accept it.

Life is a bully, but this does not stop us from wanting to be alive and happy. Boolean algebra is also a bully, but this does not stop us from learning and knowing how to solve and simplify logic gates.  At the very least, this is true for me.

Another reaction: A Forum on the National Situation

The class was surprised when our instructor told us to attend a forum at a Christian school nearby. I was intrigued—what kind of forum would it be? I did not have any other thoughts afterwards until we reached the, ahem, room. Apparently, it is a church. And inside, Liza Masa, the guest speaker, was discussing the economic and political situation of the Philippines.

The first part of her discussion was on the country’s seemingly improving economic performance. However, numbers do not always tell the truth. The increase in our GDP was caused by the development of the real estate and construction sector and by the service sector which is still intensifying.  But these sectors do not contribute to our economy in the long term scheme. It seems to me that these are just patches that could wear out anytime. They are like band-aid solutions. Moreover, these do not make up a real economy.  As I understood it, real economy composes of some parts which produce. This is a crucial point for a country’s economy to grow. However, production is not our problem; the problem lies in how these products are utilized.  Add this to the fact that both industrial and agricultural (most especially) productions are receiving less attention compared to the BPO industry.

The second part centered on the country’s political situation. Mrs. Masa discussed briefly the Mamasapano case. I don’t think that this is the appropriate venue to discuss the case at length. Suffice it to say that at the end of the day, PNOY and other public officials must be held accountable for the massacre. They should answer to the Filipinos. They should stop playing the blaming act and man up. (If you want to know more about the case, you can search for the whole BOI report which was just released.)

But for me, the highlight of the forum was a question that came from an instructor. She asked about us. She asked what she, as a teacher, should do to ‘awaken’ the youth from apathy. This impacted me in two ways: first, it impressed upon me that some, if not all, are as clueless as us in regards to what we should do. Second, it reiterated to me Bovard’s and Bauman’s words: that is, in a consumerist society, there are no citizens.

Observe very closely and you shall see students busy fumbling their smartphones. Young people are more immersed in latest fashion trends than getting involved in social and political issues. Students are more interested in buying FRA shirts or attending parties than going to forums and educational discussions. Ultimately, we became more of consumers than citizens. We became customers of our own desires instead of becoming servants of our people. This, for me, is the greatest tragedy.

I do not argue that we do not consume. That's just absurd and impossible. However, back then, we only consume for survival. Now, we consume to quell our desires and wishes. We consume to satisfy ourselves. We slowly become more and more selfish to the point that consumption became our comfort zone. We begin to disregard the common good for our own good.

But it's too late to go back to the time when consumption was only for survival. Having a life in the form of consumption became a part of being human and there is nothing wrong for wanting to be human. But let's not go to the point when consumption starts to consume us. Let's take the time to look around and 'have a life with others'. Let's aspire for the common good, always.

/Binary Arithmetic: Not Again/

Binary. We meet again.

As I've mentioned in my last week's post, I was never friends with number systems, let alone binary number system. And ta-da! To my surprise, binary numbers cannot only be converted to other number systems but can also be added or subtracted. As Ma'am noted, if we are to begin or terminate a process in our computers, the CPU should add or subtract binary numbers to execute the process (I am currently punching keys right now, and this requires adding binary numbers. It's just awe-some how adding or subtracting binary numbers translate to what we see on the screen, isn't it?)

Compared to converting it to other number systems, binary arithmetic was not that difficult. I also enjoyed it more because the activity was by partner and not by group in some form of an intra-lab quiz con. Ha-ha.

However, when it came to checking my answers, I got a little confused. After arriving at  final answers, I was not complementing it so I thought that they were incorrect. I was just thankful that my partner had the presence of mind to remind me of the right process of checking it. After which, we left in peace.

I hope we got a perfect score.

A Side Project: Manila 1945

I have been putting this off for a few months now but then I realize that I really need to improve on my writing. Reading all the books I’ve read for the past weeks, I also realized that the authors of those books would not be able to write magnificently as they do without practicing. This reaction paper series would be my side project so that I could be a better writer. This is also the best time to do this as I am also writing my thesis. My first reaction will revolve around the documentary Manila 1945 which was jus shown a while ago at DL Umali Auditorium.

The documentary Manila 1945 chronicled the cruel events of the Japanese occupation during World War II. Beginning 1941, the Japanese has relentlessly attempted to alter our thinking by propagating the idea of friendship between Filipinos and the Japanese. This propaganda, however, miserably failed as the ideologies we inherited from the West became a permanent feature of our collective psyche. Also, the cruelties inflicted upon us during the early stage of their occupation led us not to believe their intention of liberating us from the Western powers. These cruelties escalated to massacres and unjust treatment of Prisoners of War. During such times, all wondered if these fellow Asians were really human.

Being a documentary, its “nakedness” really got me. Its beauty lies on how unpretentious and ‘real’ it is. If we would compare this to war or post war films which were just interpretations of history, this documentary was bare—stripped out of any production, just pure stories. Documentaries are not interpretation-free as filmmakers deliberately cut or add scenes or change their sequencing to fit the narrative he/she wants to project. But that is how far the filmmaker can go.

But the most beautiful part of all of these is how the documentary was able to unsettle the audience and forced them to confront the atrocities of our history. We were urged to take a second look at 1945, urged us to reflect on its implications to our generations. As what Dr. Nick Deocampo said, the consequences of the war could still be seen in the present. It is now a responsibility of our generation to look for those consequences and face them. In this juncture, another question arises: why bother facing them, anyway?

The Filipinos and our collective way of thinking has been formed, reformed and deformed by numerous cultural wars wherein we were victims. These cultural wars, I contend, contributed to our confusion when it comes to our national identity. This confusion is cumbersome and is difficult to ask, let alone face. What we do is we turn away from the daunting task of resolving this confusion and let ourselves float. Without an identity, we float aimlessly.

To emphasize that point, that daunting task includes facing the wrongdoings in our history. Our generation may have resolved that what happened that time of war doesn’t concern us anymore and so there is no need for us to partake on it. However, as one shall see on Private Wars, another documentary that we have watched, not facing this perpetuates our growing uncertainty.  It’s like looking at the mirror and seeing a blank faced reflection. Without a resolution, how can we move forward? How can that face have a face?

As a concluding remark: if we are to move forward as a people, we must face our dark history and come to terms with it. That’s the only time we can truly be free from the clashes of our past. That’s how we can be a people.

Remember

Remember my eyes.
Remember how they looked at you.
How they wept.
How they bled.
How they blinked a few times.

And how they pierced through you.

/Oh Binary (Oh Blimey)!/

After some swift explanation from our instructor in IT, our class started preparing for our upcoming lab exercise. The movements were normal.

But nothing was normal no more when Ma’am announced that we’re going to have a group exercise. To make matters worse, it was going to be a quiz con. And more horrifying was that it would revolve around number systems.

Overloaded whammy. Firstly, I do not work well in groups. Secondly, quiz cons are not my thing. Thirdly, I do not like binary numbers, let alone number systems. However, the fact that without them, information cannot be stored in computers just amazes me. Basically, the binary number system is the language of computers.

To cut the story short, our group did not get the highest score—heck, we were in the bottom. But it did not matter to me—the loss, I guess—because it challenged me to do better next time. I searched for some number systems exercises to prepare for the upcoming exam. I hope it would do me good. I’m still trying to work my way around it. 

Note: Image from www. instructables.com 

/Motherboard and Specs/

When I was a senior in high school, our last exam for our IT class was to open a system unit, disassemble its contents and to put them back together.

I could not remember anything more besides the magnetic screwdriver that we used and my crush not being a part of my group. Actually, I could not remember most of our IT classes but I am sure that our teacher taught us how to install Ubuntu in our computers and its many wonders. He also instructed us to order the OS from Switzerland (or Netherlands? I don't remember) as our final project. Mine did not reach our geographically afflicted abode.

Enough of that already. I just want to say that I really appreciate the lab session we had in our IT1 class. Comparing to my IT class in senior high, where my teacher taught us about the components inside the system unit 'theoretically', our instructor in the lab session provided us (per group) a set of system unit to make the class 'interactive'. Before discussing the functions of a certain component, she instructed us to take it out of the case and marvel on its power. The most interesting part for me was learning the difference between 32 bit and 64 bit, between dual core and quad core, what GHz means and the different Intel versions. After I went back to my apartment, I excitedly checked out my laptop's specifications and learned how insufficient it is for my 'watching needs' compared to the Samsung Series 7 Chronos Laptop I chose during our exercise.

I hope for more cool exercises in the future.

P.S. Whenever I move my laptop, strange lines appear and disappear on my monitor. A specialist said it was because of the graphics card, but I was not convinced. Is it really because of the graphics card or the LCD?

My room is...

Your room is filled with your insecurities.
He asked you, "where are your dreams? Why aren't they here?"
You pointed up at the sky, "they're like stars, you see."
He shook his head and pointed at you, "they are inside you, don't you see?"

/Blogging and beneath it/

I started blogging when I was still a freshman in college; unfortunately, I was not able to keep it up.

After experiencing some 'pains' (because life happens) I turned to blogging for self-therapy. I posted poems and insights and lessons I've learned from every corner. After a year, though, I left it hanging.

I thought, maybe the reason why I was not able to keep any blog for a long time is my lack for motivation. My reason for keeping my blog was for self-therapy, and after I got better I felt no need to pursue it further. In addition, I did not go out of my way to improve my blog so I got bored instantly. This is the reason why I decided to make my second blog--to experience newness and with that is the feeling the need to explore. But that feeling is fleeting.

I decided to have this blog in spite of those ludicrous reasons because, believe it or not, I found some sort of motivation from a computer lab.

Yes, a computer lab.

When our instructor started discussing about blogging, I thought that it was going to be simple. It turns out, my knowledge of blogging is oversimplified. Just like with everything, blogging came from something. It is under what they call a content management system (CMS) which sounded very much IT to my ears. Unlike CMS, where one can make user accounts on a website, a blogging software is limited and could not have that. I wished it could, though, because I was planning to make a blog for our organization's online library. I imagined my orgmates having to log in so they could have access to our materials.

Then we turned to the parts of a blog. It was my first time hearing the words, Blogroll and Blogosphere. My favorite part is when we turned to discussing the templates and how we could customize it. I tried to download and use a customized one, but I still don't know how to further improve this template. The template editor would not allow me to do anything with it.

If you're wondering where motivation rests in there, let me tell you this: I took blogging for granted because I took it as it is--not with all its beginnings and particularities. I did not explore because I feared I would not understand. But because of this session in a certain computer lab, I learned new things about blogging and that made me wanting to know it more.

How? By keeping this up and making it my own.

I am Honey Joy M. Bellen...

...and here are some things I like you to know about me:

Firstly, I love books. I love reading everything there is in the world (though it is just impossible to read every book there is). Classics, children's books, folktales from Native American tribes, mystery books (my love for them started when I read a volume of Sherlock Holmes), manga, manwha, books related to my course, poetry, fanfiction--name it, I would read it. However, I could not tolerate reading a romantic novel. I remember dozing off while reading a Harlequin Romance novel back in high school. It was a requirement so I could not just throw it away or bury it. After that, I remember telling myself I would not read another romance novel. I still don't.

My favorite authors include Judy Blume, Gary Paulsen, Louisa May Alcott and Mark Twain.

Secondly, I love music. I have hopped from genre to genre and I still could not find what I could call my own. If one would ask me what my favorite genre is, I would have a hard time giving a definite answer. Currently, I am listening to Mikky Ekko, f(x) [a Kpop girl group] and Emile Sande.

Thirdly, I love to observe. I can't talk for a long time because I prefer looking at the person and his/her body language. I try to read faces. I try to see beneath their eyes. There are much more than the words people speak, I guess. Sometimes, I just overthink.

Fourthly, I am a mess. I like to think that I'm a beautiful one, though. I try to manage my spontaneity, but for some reason I cannot. However, I am still thankful. Mess creates color, though not all the time.

Fifth: I love to exercise. I can't last a day without one.

Sixth: I am a college student still trying to hold on to her idealism. I am studying under the BA Sociology program which is an amazing degree program. Being young (I am still 20 years old), I am bursting with hopes and dreams, one of which is teaching. I hope to become a professor someday.

I hope that that 'someday' would not be that far, though.